


Insecure

by Reirachan



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, also it's not kise raping kasa or whatever, getting over rape, mentions of rape but no descriptions, sex-related insecurities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-14 20:36:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1278139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reirachan/pseuds/Reirachan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are many things that scare Kasamatsu, but Kise can and will help him with all of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insecure

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to apologize for the huge lack of fics lately. I know I am a little shit. I was in a HUGE author's block. I hope this long thing can make up for it.

He swallows harder than he should.

It's all touches and skin and heavy breaths, and it's all completely wrong.

His breath is heavier than normal.

And he feels way more touch than he should.

It's all over his body, sliding and scratching and squeezing and suffocating his skin. It's on his neck, and he can't breathe. Ryouta's touch is as gentle as a soft kiss, but he feels it like a soft punch in the face.

_I'm..._

He's drowning.

He's burning.

He's sinking into all these touches and it's deep, deep, and even deeper, overwhelming and suffocating, and he can't fight back, because where can he even start, it's burning and it hurts...

"You're all ours"

He snaps away so quickly he can't see anything for a moment.

His widened eyes slowly go back to normal. His breath doesn't. It's still completely out of rhythm and cold sweat drops from his forehead.

"Yukio? Are you ok?"

No.

He's having a panick attack.

"I'm..."

_So sorry..._

"I'm sorry!" To his surprise, he hears a scream that's definitely not his own. It's like his eyes are finally back to reality, and he sees Ryouta's concerned face burning with real regret. His honey eyes snap all over him as if looking for a sign of forgiveness, "did I do something, I... Did I make you feel uncomfortable, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry, I'm..."

He smiles, despite himself.

"No, Ryouta, it's ok. It's..."

_My fault._

"I can't do it, I'm..."

_It's my fault._

Tears rolling.

Everything's so blurry.

And it hurts.

They're sliding all over him and...

And the touch is hesitating in his shoulder, sweet and gentle, and overall concerned.

They don't care about his screams.

He doesn't flinch, so the arms slide on his shoulders to hug him. Slowly. So carefully.

His hands reach to cover his face as the tears roll down. They're cold and he doesn't mind, because they are real and they are letting his memories leave with them.  
"It's my fault," he sobs, and even though it's muffled from his hands, Ryouta can hear it clearly. And apparently doesn't like it much.

"What are you talking about? Of course not! It was me, I did something wrong and..."

"You didn't", he cut him off, "I told you already, it's me. I... They..." His voice suddenly died as the confession left his lips for the first time, so weak and scared of the world it was barely a whisper, "they took me..."

It's like realization punches Ryouta right in the face. He can see his face changing and doesn't want to see what into. He hugs his knees, feeling his misery crawl over him, "who did?"

"I don't know. A gang. I just... I don't know, it was dark and... So h-humiliating," the word leaves as a sob, "And I closed my eyes, because... Everything hurt..."

_Put it in your mouth._

_You are a slut._

_You can feel it here, don't you?_

He could. Everywhere.

Even now.

"I'm so sorry..." It's all he can pathetically say, hoping inside that he can somehow get rid of how filthy, disgusting he sounds. Another sobs comes. "I can't do it..."  
He can't even have sex with him.

He's got nothing to offer.

They emptied him.

He believes in every single word.

So why wouldn't Ryouta? 

_The streets are dangerous at that hour of the night._

_You were stupid._

_This is stupid._

_Why can't you just get over it?_

"That's not true! How could it be your fault? If you're not ready for it, then you're not, and you should have told me sooner you just didn't want it!"  
What?

"I feel horrible now... Why didn't you tell me? I mean, it's not like you owe me an explanation or anything, you could just have said you didn't want it and It would be perfectly fine! I would never do something you didn't want, I... I'm really sorry. And now I'm being really selfish, talking just about me. I'm... I'm so angry right now"  
It comes as a punch in the face.

"I understand. I apologize, I..."

"What? No, stop saying you're sorry! Angry with them! For doing this to you! With me, too, I think. It's not your fault, you don't have to be ready! There's no problem about it at all! We can stop as many times as you want, when you want. It's completely different! I would never do something horrible to you, Yukiocchi!"  
When his gaze finally meets Kise's, he sees oure worry on his face. The honey eyes are as sweet at the words he's trying to say.

_I care about you._

Tears can feel so soft sometimes.

Xxx

He wakes up in Ryouta's arms. They are comfortable, so he doesn't leave, instead smiling the softest smile against the warm skin.

_It's consensual or it's nothing._

_I love you._

_It wasn't your fault._

_How could it be your fault?_

_They raped you._

_I want to kill them._

_They are wrong._

The smile fades away and he looks down, trying not to move a lot so he doesn't wake Ryouta up.

How can he face him after that? What can he say? He already opened up for him - he's mever going to see Yukio the same way. Is it still possible for him to like what he sees?

The touch gets tighter, so he is completely glued to Ryouta's body and embrace. And somehow, everything else disappears, incapable of touching him in that comfortable and secure place.

"Good morning"

That's how it starts.

Xxx.

Ryouta still smiles the same way when they are together.

He acts the same stupid way as ever, earning lots of kicks through each day.

He's so real.

Every second spent with him is a precious one. He can forget about his fears, everything.

He finally found support.

They don't need to talk about it. But when Kasamatsu wants to, he will hear him for hours, and have all the right words and a perfectly timed hug.

"Yukiocchi helped me feel better so many times already"

"You're so strong"

Every day, he finds a different way of saying "I love you".

There's just one thing they never talked about.

What about us?

How can he deserve a guy as amazing as him?

He is so scared.

Ryouta says it's alright to wait.

But for how long?

He can't still want him if he can't have him.

His smiles are not getting more tired, his honey eyes are not gazing less adoringly at him. His hugs are not less honest.

But he feels all of this.

Yukio can't give Ryouta sex, because it scares him, and someday Ryouta will just finally say this is pathetic and not going anywhere.

Xxx

"Yukiocchi! Yukiocchi, you're crying!"

It's the truth.

"I'm sorry for waking you up, but... You were crying..."

He still is.

A smile makes its way up his face. It's comforting. "I'm ok"

"Are you?"

"It was just a nightmare. It's 3AM, let's go back to sleep"

Ryouta doesn't until Yukio does, petting his hair and kissing his forehead until Yukio sleeps, and making sure they are peaceful, good dreams, before he allows himself to drown on his own.

Yukio's not going to tell him he dreamed of them breaking up.

He's also not going to say it.

_Sorry for being such a bother._

Xxx

He has to travel for work.

2 weeks.

He's leaving to the other side of the country.

_Get in the train!_

"I will miss you," Ryouta is looking at his feet, trying a sad smile, hands on his pockets.

"Me, too," he's imitating him. "I will call you when I can"

The smile looks a bit more sincere this time, "please do! Ah, but don't worry too much about it, ok? Focus in your work and everything. I don't want to disturb you! Aah but please, if you have the time, even for just a few seconds, it would make me really happy! Aah, the train is about to leave! You should get in!" There is hurry in his voice and Yukio laughs, he is so concerned and confused at the same time it sounds funny.

"Goodbye, Yukiocchi" he kisses his forehead.

With that, Yukio's off.

Xxx

"What if he's with someone else?"

Indigested fear crawls at the bottom of his stomach, as he opens the door as slowly and silently as he can. 

He's coming back 2 days earlier. It turned out everything went better than expected, so he came back earlier.

He didn't tell Ryouta.

He knew he was getting right in the point where he finds out Ryouta's cheating on him, but can't help himself. It's only natural - he couldn't be mad at him. But he wanted to know. Even though he knew it was going to be painful, no matter how excuseable, he wanted to know it.

He gets in, and notices everything in the living room looks exactly the same.

He also notices there is a second voice coming from the other side of the apartment.

"Aah, Kagamicchi!"

"Shut up, Kise!" There is a sound of something hitting the table with strength.

"Can't you just teach me already?"

"Can't you just stop being a lovestruck idiot for once? I have better stuff to do! Why does the fact Aomine owed you one means I will have to teach you to cook?"

"Because I want it to! And technically speaking, you owe me one too! I helped you two get together!"

"I'm not quite sure this is something I should thank you for anymore," he sighs, "the idiot sends me to pay off his debts. And to teach you cooking, no less! Tell me again, why do you want to?"

"Because Yukiocchi is coming back and I want to make something good for him, I told you that a hundred times already!"

"I still can't get over it," the taller male sighs, "are you two still in the first week of dating? Because you're acting just the same way. It's been some time, you know, and you still act like a high school girl"

"Doesn't matter! Just please teach me, Kagamicchi, and I will owe you a thousand, forever, I promise!" He begs, and Yukio can feel the puppy eyes Ryouta's making. He smiles idiotically, hiding his burning cheeks behind his palms. This feels so...

"What the hell is happening here?"

Ryouta lets the spoon he's holding drop in the ground. There is some kind of cream in his hair and he's wearing an apron. He has to laugh at how ridiculous he looks with the completely astonished face and the complete mess he made in the kitchen.

Ryouta isn't particularly bad at cooking, but it looks like he made a real mess this time.

He chuckles so hard, "what were you even trying to do?"

Kagami scowls, "that's a good question". He is tidy and also wears an apron, but at least this one doesn't look ridiculous - Ryouta's way too small. "He told me you'd only be back in two days"

"Because he was!" Kise screamed, pointing at Kagami, then at Kasamatsu, "I... Why did you..."

"I came back home sooner," he shrugged.

"Aaaah, I can't believe it!"

"Yeah, and now I will have to help you clean this mess. What were you trying to do anyway?"

Kagami scowls, "a 'fancy cake that looks delicious', that's what he asked me".

"Very specific," Kasamatsu agrees, nodding slowly. The effect of that is kind of ruined by the fact that he can't stop smiling, but Kise doesn't notice because he's too busy complaining about everyone being so mean to him. But he thinks he hears Kagami saying something like 'lovestruck idiots'.

He can live with that.

Xxx

“A cake, uh?”

“I just wanted to make something nice since you’ve been working all this time!” Ryouta complains, hiding his face in his hands from embarrassment, because really he was trying so hard and everybody just _had_ to go there and make fun of him, what was so wrong about it?

Kasamatsu chuckles a little. It was late already, so Kagami had left and they were now lying on his bed, “no need to be so embarrassed. It was nice of you,” he says, smiling and ruffling his hair. Kise lets his hands drop, enjoying the touch and smiling a bit, too. “Thanks.”

“Hmmm, you’re welcome, even though you kind of ruined everything,” he giggles, “g’night, Yukiocchi,” and kisses his forehead.

Then he retreats and lays to sleep.

Way too quickly.

He doesn’t touch him.

And that hurts way more than it should.

“Ryouta…” he calls, his voice a bit too shaky, just a little more insecure than it should. Ryouta turns to his side, looking puzzled. “Yeah?”

He kisses him by surprise.

It isn’t gentle. It’s rushed and impulsive and even kind of angry. Kise takes some time to adjust to what’s happening, and that just helps pissing Kasamatsu off even further – is it that hard to just _touch_ him?

He feels like Kise is running away from him, and it scares him so much.

“Yukiocchi, hey!”

He doesn’t listen, shutting him up with another rough kiss and rubbing himself against him.

_Stop ignoring me._

_Just…_

_Just don’t leave_.

When he releases him, Kise looks scared, and is breathing hard.

“What are you doing?”

 _I don’t know_.

His fist curls over Ryouta’s shirt, and he cries on his lap.

Xxx

Each stroke he feels on his scalp helps soothing the pain away. His breath comes more even. After a while, the tears stop, and he sighs a little against Ryouta’s chest, _not_ looking at him and trying to forget his embarrassment and anger.

 _So ridiculous_.

“Yukiocchi?” he calls, hesitantly, like he’s way too scared of breaking him down, and it just makes Yukio all the more upset.

“Yeah?”

But after listening to the tone of his voice, he can’t bring himself to think Ryouta is wrong.

“If you’re never ready for sex, then I’m never going to have sex again.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t force yourself. I don’t mind. I’m not stupid enough to stop loving you for such a stupid reason, Yukiocchi! You are great and I love you, so stop doing this to yourself.”

“I’m not…”

“You are,” he interrupts, but it’s in a rather smooth, calming way. He can listen to Ryouta’s small smile as he speaks, “and it’s stupid. I don’t mind if I’m never going to have sex with you, ever. Well, maybe I would, but that’s just because I want you to get over it, Yukiocchi. I know you’re never going to be exactly the same but I don’t want you to fear this forever, I want you to be okay. But even if you’re not, I’ll be by your side, stupid,” he hits Yukio’s head playfully, and it feels like their roles have been reversed for once, “I never felt I was going to be the one helping you,” he chuckles, as if agreeing with Yukio’s previous thought, “but it’s okay, as long as you’re okay. Okay?”

“You just said okay three times.”

Ryouta laughs. “That’s much better.”

And he laughs, too.

Xxx

Things start going way more smoothly after that. It’s still a little hard for him to talk to Ryouta about some stuff, but Ryouta’s always watching – he notices, and he doesn’t fear asking him what’s wrong, sometimes even putting pressure, and, in the end, he always has the right thing to say. He starts noticing more the small things Ryouta does, and has always been doing. Nothing’s changed, in the end. He’s still a loud, clumsy, way too cheerful idiot that is just way too obvious and open about his feelings – and honestly, how did he even think that Ryouta would be able to cheat on him without making it completely obvious?

He is just that honest, with that liquid golden eyes of his, the soft touch, the unpretentious words. 

“Hey, how was work today?”

He smiles.

“Tiresome. But fine, I think. And – oh my god, are you cooking?”

“Really, why do you always act like I’m so horrible at cooking? I know the basics, you know!” he is outraged, or so tells his theatrical look.

“No, I honestly think you’re pretty good. You could totally win the ‘Best Machine-Cooked Rice Award’ if you tried to.”

“So mean!”

He just laughs, and after a moment of hesitation and holding back, Ryouta follows him.

Xxx

Kissing feels good. It’s not like he doesn’t enjoy the touches, the kisses, the contact. He does. It’s amazing, it feels just _good_. He really wishes it didn’t scare him as much.

But it does.

They are in the bed, their lips on each other’s. The movements they make to rub against each other are slow, but they _are_ there. He can feel the hands on his back sliding just as slowly, going down, Ryouta’s tongue trailing all over his mouth, and it’s then that all of a sudden it starts feeling uncomfortable.

“Ryouta…” he draws back a little, still holding his hips, “can we stop?”

He smiles, moving his hands to play a little with his own hair, “sure we can, Yukiocchi,” he looks apologetic, and Yukio smiles.

“No need to say sorry. It was… It was going great.”

He didn’t hesitate this time.

No need for trauma, for stress or crying.

Just natural. So good and natural.

He starts laughing as Ryouta trails butterfly kisses all over his cheeks.

Xxx

When he opened the door, he was scared.

And that was _before_ he saw what was behind it.

It was their anniversary and they were both excited about it. He’d bought Ryouta a present, but now that he was about to get to his apartment – where Ryouta said he’d be waiting for him – he was scared about what he would think. What if he didn’t like it? He wanted this to be perfect and he wanted to let him know just how glad he was that they met, and how happy Ryouta made him…

And then he opened the door to see his apartment _completely covered in flowers_.

“Oh my god. What the hell is that?” he froze in the doorsteps, looking astonished at the ridiculous amount of flowers all over the place. He vaguely remembered that Ryouta really liked flowers, and he remembered this specific one, a dark and beautiful shade of blue, that he once told Ryouta that he really liked… The name was something like, don’t-forget-me, forget-me-not…

“When I told you that I liked them, I didn’t mean that you should _pest my apartment with it_ ” he would kick Ryouta if he weren’t so busy looking completely lost.   
Kise pouts, a little angry, “hey! This is _romantic_ , you know!”

Way too romantic. How can he give Ryouta such a stupid present now that he clearly put so much effort into buying him something nice?

“Hey, Yukiocchi, are you alright? Wait… Ah, you bought me a present! I knew you would remember! Thank you, Yukiocchi!” he jumps into Yukio’s arms, almost making both of them fall, giggling like a fool and taking the wrapped box out of Yukio’s hands.

“If you knew I’d remember, why are you so surprised?” he scowls, “and wait!” but it’s too late, Ryouta is already destroying the wrapping paper like a madman. Kasamatsu sighs, looking at his own feet and trying not to blush. “It’s not much… If I knew you’d make such a big deal about it, I’d…”

“Eeeh? No! What are you talking about? It’s great!” Kise is looking at the bracelet like he really means it, eyes shining and a big smile decorating his already handsome face. Yukio’s face relaxes and he doesn’t even notice it, “Because you know that I really like bracelets, isn’t it? And I can see that you tried really hard to find something I’d like – this one’s perfect. You knew that, don’t you? You’ve been searching for the one I’d like the most, right? That must have been really tiresome, since you have absolutely no fashion sense,” Kise laughs.

“Hey! Can’t you just keep to the nice part?” he kicks Ryouta’s head angrily, but the bastard is still laughing.

“What I’m trying to say is, I know you did your best. Thank you. I really like it,” he puts it on his arm immediately, and his smile widens even more when he’s finished, like it looks even better on him, and Kasamatsu looks away. That’s why he doesn’t notice what Ryouta is doing until he takes his hand and kisses it, “thank you.”  
“I – don’t do embarrassing stuff like that, baka!” he tries to hit him, but Kise keeps _giggling_ , so he looks away and does his best not to make a childish face, “but I’m glad you like it…”

Kise blinks a few times.

“Aaah, so cute!”

And then throws himself on Yukio’s arms, again.

Again, he was not ready, so they both fell. Thankfully, on the couch. But Yukio doesn’t have the time to think about that, because Ryouta’s lips are on his and the kiss is intense, happy and _good_ , and he’s pushing Ryouta’s head closer with his hand and using the other free one to hold his waist, and now he’s completely on top of Yukio, and he doesn’t know who starts it but now they are rubbing their erections together, and…

And he doesn’t even recognize his voice in the moan that comes afterwards, because it feels so _good_.

Ryouta freezes, and he’s about to complain when he asks, “do you want me to stop?”

He blinks a few times, confused, “uh, no.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to force yourself just because it’s our anniversary or anything, and…”

“I know that,” he still sounds lost, “I’d have said it if I didn’t want.”

“Really?” 

“If I’m telling you so, it’s the truth, annoying brat!” he crosses his arms, and then tries to apologize, “ah – I mean, I know you have the best intentions, I… I don’t… Er… Thank you, I guess… But… Ahn…”

Kise chuckles, “I see,” and kisses his nose, and Yukio can feel his relieved smile.

He frowns, “kiss me properly, stupid,” and that’s when Ryouta captures his lips again, and he’s got nothing to complain.

Xxx

“Wait, you want to _bottom_?”

“It’s not that! I think. It wouldn’t be bad. Not at all. It’d be very good, if it was with Yukiocchi,” he trails off, and then goes back all of a sudden, looking embarrassed, “bbut what I mean here is that I can if you feel like it’s better! I like both, so it’s fine!” 

“So you can top too, right?”

“Yukiocchi, you’re being slow. I said I can, but I won’t if you don’t feel comfortable about it.”

“No, I… I want you to top,” he says, _not_ looking at Ryouta. He doesn’t want to take the lead, he’s not confident enough for that. He wants Ryouta to take him because anything else would be just so _scary_ … 

“Alright, I can do it,” he smiles, but he looks a little lost himself, “so, uh… Do you want me to prepare you?”

“ _Yes_.”

He can see that Kise is trying not to laugh, “alright,” he hears the sound of a drawer opening and Ryouta searching for something. When he comes back, his face is all flushed and Yukio can see a light trail of pink in his cheeks. He finds it endearing, but can’t look for too long because Ryouta is opening the lube and he’s starting to feel nervousness…

 _Blorp_.

“What the hell was that?”

He looks up at Ryouta, who is staring at him, looking confused, a finger _completely covered_ in lube, actually he’s pretty sure there’s more lube than finger there…  
He bursts off laughing.

“Hey! Yukiocchi! Stop laughing! Stop it!” he tries to say embarrassedly, but the more he talks, the more Yukio laughs at his _priceless_ face.

“It’s too much, stupid! Hah! I can’t believe you…” he has tears in his eyes already, and Ryouta still has that face.

“Stop it, senpai! I just wanted to make sure it wouldn’t hurt!”

“I noticed,” he’s wiping the tears at the corner of his eyes, “sorry. It was just so unexpected… You can go on now.”

“Aren’t you scared? Is it ok?” Ryouta looks concerned, searching all over him for the smallest sign that he wants to stop.

“It’s ok. Though I _am_ a little nervous… Are you sure your fingers are slick enough? I don’t want to get hurt…”

“Eh? Yeah, I do think so…” he starts, until he notices Yukio is trying not to laugh, “hey! I’m trying to be serious here! Quit making fun of me!” 

“Being serious is not like you at all, brat. Come on, I’m alright, just do it. I _will_ tell you if I want to stop.” He looks straight into Ryouta’s eyes, and that seems to give him confidence, because he smiles.

“Alright, I’ll try the first finger then…”

He does, and it doesn’t hurt at all. It’s just a little uncomfortable, but he can bear that. Ryouta is watching him intently, and Yukio scowls at that, “come closer,” he asks, and Ryouta does, shyly, letting him cup his cheeks with his hands and kiss him sweetly, as he lets Ryouta slide another finger into him. 

This one feels better.

“Aah…” he breathes, accidentally against Ryouta’s ear, and the shiver that goes past him doesn’t go unnoticed.

Unfortunately, that’s when Ryouta takes the chance to do the same to him, blowing on his ear. Yukio feels Goosebumps all over, and moans.

“Ryouta…”

“I like that,” he sucks on Yukio’s earlobe, earning another nice moan from him as he starts scissoring his fingers, and Yukio grabs his back and starts thrusting his hips into him because _where did he just touch_ , and is this supposed to feel that good?

“Ryouta…” it’s a _whimper_ , and he’s still working with two fingers. “hmmm…” 

“Yukio…” Ryouta looks so happy, that he can’t help but smile at him too.

“Like that,” he nods.

He obliges, and for once it feels absolutely _right_.

Xxx

His eyes snap open to see the bed empty. He rubs his eyes, forcing himself to get up despite the pain on his lower back. It’s not really pain; it’s just a little uncomfortable, but in a way that makes him smile. He looks at his own naked torso, and somehow feels again all the butterfly kisses Ryouta placed there.  
He’s already smiling, and that was before he felt the scent of burnt eggs.

“Ryouta, are you trying to destroy my kitchen?” he screams, scowling and finally getting up, opening the door to confirm that, indeed, he is, judging by the horrified look on his face as he tries to save the eggs, wearing nothing but his boxers. 

“Sorry! Damn, it feels like I’m getting worse at cooking, how could I fuck up _eggs_?” 

“That should be my question, brat. What are you doing?”

“… Breakfast”

Yukio facepalms, “give this to me.” He doesn’t wait for an answer before getting the frying pan and doing his best to save whatever stupidity Kise managed to make this time.

“Ah, thanks. Sorry, I guess I was kind of daydreaming,” he looks apologetic and embarrassed, that mix of expressions he always has when he’s rubbing the back of his own head. Yukio cocks an eyebrow. “I mean, not really daydreaming, I was just… Thinking. I was… Erm. Worried. I mean. Yukiocchi, are you okay?”

There is a small laughter before he answers, “yeah. I told you, didn’t I?” he smiles, open and happy for a second, and Ryouta looks absolutely taken aback. He stops immediately, feeling heat going up his cheeks. “Let’s eat.”

“Okay!” he replies cheerfully, kissing his head, “I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Idiot.” Is his only reply.

 _I’ve never been better_.


End file.
